November
I'm looking at all the trees around me. They are quickly shedding their leaves some have completely lost all their leaves. But God is reminding me that I am still in the kingdom of love. And that's when I realized the kingdom of love is not a static place it's not an idyllic garden with perfect trees and flowers where nothing ever changes. The kingdom of love is in constant change, growth, renewal, and adjustment. And even healing!
As I look at the trees that have shed their leaves I see how much their true shape is revealed, their basic structural identity. And it's made me think of myself. How my whole life my basic identity was so twisted and broken. But I tried so hard to look like all the other trees! I tried to add branches that look like they went straight up to heaven. And I paste on beautiful green leaves that look like they came from the healthiest organism, even though they were completely fake. But God stripped me. Stripped me of all of that and he has been healing my basic identity. So, I'm not twisted. I'm not broken. But I look like these trees instead. Now, I grow straight up tall to the sun, to him! For real.
And now, oh the glorious now! Now I can grow up tall and straight. I can produce beautiful green leaves. And fruit! Before, I was so broken smashed down to the ground and there were so many many many bitter roots, I think I was only able to produce bitter fruit. I don't know. Time will tell. Eternity will tell. But now I can produce real fruit. Now, I know how to walk in the Spirit. Or I'm learning to walk in the Spirit. Or really, I'm at the beginning of learning to walk in the Spirit and that's where real fruit comes from. The real fruit - the fruit of the spirit.
I'm looking at this huge tree, actually it appears to be a cluster of trees but it's all growing together nice and tight so it looks like one tree. And this massive giant branches the reach high, high, high into the sky. And it is so beautiful! When I looked at it I thought, oh this tree is like Carrie my coach. Strong and big, beautiful, growing huge up to the Lord. And then I thought if myself how I've always believed that I had to be small. So the big giant growth, that the Lord had for me, I have probably most likely always squelched. And the branches I've tried to paste in myself, were probably little branches. But they were as big as I could think and I can see. But they weren't his growth, his magnificent growth that he planned for me no. They are only what I planned for myself. Oh my gosh this is just so big and important. And those fake branches I put on myself they were insubstantial. They had no life running through them. Oh my gosh I get it, they had no life! Like the vine and the branches that Jesus spoke about. They could not produce leaves and certainly not fruit! Only the vine can do that. Wow! This is huge. No wonder I experienced so much failure. I was separate from the vine. Oh I was a born-again Christian but I was not living in the vine. I was living in my brokenness. I was living in the false strength of my own human will and intellect. I was quenching the Spirit.