March 28th, 2022 Me and the Inner Critic, going at it – again.
(Shortly after Christmas 2021, I became very sick with covid. My recovery took most of January. Then, early in February, I got covid again! I didn’t think this was possible but my doctor assured me it was quite possible, though uncommon. Most of February and March were spent in a very slow recovery. It took all my energy just to make it through the day. But by the end of March, I was able to get started on my Stillness Strolls again.)
I've been having a lot of trouble getting back into the rhythm of coming here to my stillness area. I'm having a lot of trouble with everything lately. And I'm so discouraged and defeated. I feel such strong feelings of shame, worthlessness, inadequacy and failure. Yeah dark.
I have this list of things about myself that are so negative. And from my point of view, they’re all true. Like my ADHD, which makes it very hard for me to stay consistent and follow through on things. Also on my negative list is my long history of things I worked so hard at, but none ever came to a fruitful place. All this failure and struggle makes me feel that I am completely disqualified me from really doing anything with my life. There are just too many hurdles in my life that I can’t get over.
But a new thought has come to me that these things that seem to disqualify me don't disqualify me at all. They actually qualify me. I’ve been making this connection: I have all these frailties, therefore I am unable to do anything. But I need to stop and say no -- this is not an” if-then” situation. Just because I have these deficiencies; doesn't mean that I am incapable of living out the life that God has designed me for.
I have been so unable to focus. This is a huge issue for me. But I think my house might be part of the problem. Though it is lovely, comfortable and safe, it is not a place where my spirit thrives. Here are a few reasons that I can think of off the top of my head:
- The refrigerator. Yes the refrigerator, even the whole kitchen is filled with food that gets me distracted because I want to eat.
- The TV. The TV is always a temptation. Even if all I'm doing is watching YouTube. If I'm not in my house the TV is zero struggle.
- My laptop. My laptop is also a temptation. There are many things on my laptop to visit, play and listen to that drag my spirit out of focused function.
- Housework. There is so much housework I should be doing. I see it everywhere in my house. Dishes, floors, cat boxes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, straightening up, household projects, and much more like that. Honestly all of that is an affliction to my spirit.
(This is not my bedroom, but it could be!)
I see my spirit is not flourishing in my home. But I wonder how much of that has to do with how isolated I am. I know that when I used to go places to do my work like Panera or Starbucks, it felt so life-giving. I wonder if it's the people. I wonder if I just need to be around people.
Something else I’ve been thinking a lot about is what happens inside of me whenever I hear about someone who was loved, supported, built up, had a community, or anything else that helped them become who they are. It triggers a sad hopelessness buried inside of me. I need to understand this. I think there's something very broken and in need of light and hope, forgiveness, healing and transformation here.
One my greatest struggles has always been how I am continually orienting myself to everyone else. Especially Alan. Alan is such a powerful magnet for me because he lives such a functional, high productive, successful life. The kind of life I have always wanted to live. The kind of life I have worked so hard and diligently and perseveringly to achieve. But never did achieve. Or even come close. All that time I was orienting myself towards others. It's still a huge draw for me. But when I listen to my music, when I play and create my music, it orients me to myself. It brings me in alignment with myself. Instead of the insane and fruitless chase to orient towards others.
(Sigh…) I’m laughing at myself a little here. I came to this beautiful place to be still before the Lord. And know him! But this whole time, I’ve been focused completely on myself! And it’s all so negative! This is the goal of the inner critic. There’s no winning with it, never. The only thing that has ever worked has been to resist, turn away, say no, get forceful. And then go the opposite direction, looking into the eyes of my dear Shepherd and Savior.